SCAREDY CAT'S FILE

Is Vampires Scary? The Verdict and the Whole Plot

Rating: 3.5
Author: Scaredy Cat

Somewhat, 3.5 out of 10. It's a gory action movie about vampire hunters, with a crossbow and a winch doing most of the work.

THE SCARE SIGNAL

SCARE SCORE

3.5 /10

DREAD LEVEL

Low

There is little dread to carry home, and the gore is the part to prepare for.

DOG

Dog: fine

fine, no dog dies.

Ruling: Fine for action fans who can handle gore, and a poor choice for anyone wanting a slow ghost story.

Vampires runs 108 minutes. A team of Vatican-sponsored hunters pulls nests of vampires into the New Mexico sunlight with a crossbow and a mechanical winch, and then goes to a motel to celebrate, which is a decision.

The premise, briefly

A vampire hunter sponsored by the Vatican and his team chase an old, powerful vampire across the Southwest while he searches for an ancient relic.

How much do you want to know?

The verdict above is spoiler-free. Everything below, including the ending, stays hidden until you pick a depth.

CUT TO THE CHASE

How it ends

Crow impales Valek with the Béziers Cross and finishes him with sunlight, and Guiteau kills Cardinal Alba before the ritual is complete. Montoya and Katrina are doomed vampires, and Crow gives them a two-day head start before he and Guiteau go after the rest.

The scene you're dreading

Early, at the Sun God Motel, Valek arrives while the team celebrates and kills most of Crow's hunters, and he bites Katrina. Only Crow and Montoya get away, and they take Katrina with them.

The dog

No dog dies in Vampires.

It is gory vampire action with some chases and little lingering dread, and the ending is bleak for two of the leads.

THE SHORT VERSION IS HIDDEN

How it ends, the scene you're dreading, what happens to the dog, and the bottom line. About twenty seconds to read.

What actually happens

A winch and a crossbow in the New Mexico sun

Jack Crow and his team of vampire hunters, funded by the Vatican, storm an empty house in New Mexico in broad daylight. Inside is a nest of vampires, and the team subdues them with gunfire, pikes and wooden stakes. They haul the vampires out with a crossbow that has been rigged to a winch, where the sunlight burns them up. The team disposes of nine basic vampire goons, but Jack is worried about the missing master of the nest, an older and more powerful vampire. The raid is efficient, and Jack still doesn't relax.

Reading this instead of watching it is the correct decision. Scaredy Cat makes that decision automatic, for free.

The Sun God Motel after the party

The scene people dread most happens early. The team celebrates at the Sun God Motel with prostitutes, and the nest's master, Jan Valek, turns up and bites one of them, Katrina, who begins turning into a vampire herself. Valek quickly kills the hunters, and only Crow and his lieutenant, Tony Montoya, escape alive, bringing Katrina with them. After that the movie turns into a chase. Crow is disturbed that Valek knew his name, so he sends Montoya to lie low with Katrina, hoping her growing psychic link to Valek will lead them to him.

An archivist who gets interrogated

Crow buries his team, burns down the motel and reports to Cardinal Alba, who explains that Valek was once a priest who rebelled against the church, was executed for it, and became the first vampire. Alba tells Crow to form a new team with the archivist Father Adam Guiteau. Crow suspects a betrayal, interrogates Guiteau and shows him a map of vampire activity in the Southwest. At a hotel Montoya explains to Katrina what is happening to her, and she attempts suicide, then bites Montoya when he rescues her. He hides it from Crow. Under threat from Crow, Guiteau reveals that Valek is looking for a relic called the Black Cross of Béziers.

An army of vampires and a cardinal with a plan

Through Katrina's psychic link, Crow, Montoya and Guiteau learn that Valek has woken seven more masters, and they trail the vampires to an old mission where Valek has already slaughtered the friars and taken the cross. Guiteau realizes Valek wants to complete his own exorcism, which would make him immune to sunlight. In a nearby abandoned town the team uses Guiteau as bait, harpooning masters and dragging them into the sun, until Valek's army overwhelms them at sundown. Crow is captured, and Katrina fully transforms and bites Montoya. Cardinal Alba then reveals he is Valek's ally, because he fears death and wants to be a vampire, and the ritual requires Crow's blood.

The ending, explained

Guiteau kills Alba before the ritual can be finished and keeps the undead horde back by threatening suicide, since Valek needs a priest to finish. As the sun comes up, Montoya and Guiteau free Crow, and Crow impales Valek with the Béziers Cross and destroys him with sunlight. Afterward Crow and Guiteau prepare to kill Montoya and Katrina, since their transformations can't be undone. Crow instead repays Montoya's two days of loyalty with a two-day head start, and then he and Guiteau go after the remaining vampires.

The post-credits ruling

Nobody has confirmed whether there is a scene during or after the credits.

✓ Spoiled safelyDog status: fine, no dog dies.

Questions people ask at 1am

Is Vampires scary?

Somewhat. Vampires is a 3.5 out of 10 with Low dread and a high gore level of 4. It is action horror with chases and one early attack on the hunters, with little fear afterward.

How does Vampires end?

Crow impales Valek with the Béziers Cross and destroys him with sunlight, and Guiteau kills Cardinal Alba. Crow lets Montoya and Katrina go with a two-day head start and then hunts the remaining vampires.

Does the dog die in Vampires?

No dog dies in Vampires.

Is there a post-credits scene in Vampires?

Nobody has confirmed whether Vampires has a scene during or after the credits.

What is the Black Cross of Béziers in Vampires?

In Vampires it is an ancient relic that Valek wants for a ritual that would make him immune to sunlight. Crow ends up using it to impale him.

BLURRED FOR YOUR PROTECTION

The whole plot of Vampires is hidden, ending included. It stays that way until you ask.

You don't have to sit through 108 minutes of Vampires to know who survives. Install Scaredy Cat and it will blur the rest of the internet's horror for you.

Get Scaredy Cat, free